11.17.2020.2 | The Future Forest

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Wuck

sunday: thirty minutes into making breakfast--the bacon finished and the potatoes nearly so--i realize we’re out of eggs. i turn off the burners and step out to get a couple dozen <quote-01>along with a couple sandwiches for us to eat soon as i get back<quote-01>. i’ll finish breakfast later in the day--for lunch, i figure.

after we eat, i open up zillow on my laptop and start searching around for homes to rent, looking both further out of the city here and in the greater los angeles area. nothing is as i pictured it; everything is too close together: the surrounding houses, the rooms themselves. a goddamn <quote-02>house in the woods<quote-02> is what we need, but ain’t none of those for rent, and buying is off the table. where’s the money coming from? what will the next job be? how will i get it? of course we have to rent, but how much time will we care to invest in making the next place our own, knowing that it’s not. all the work i did on the place here? i can’t even think about it. hell, we can’t afford to go anywhere. we shouldn’t be moving at all. after an hour or so of clicking around, i stop. i sit there, staring at the map, my thoughts spiraling.

sarah has been up all night with ben, and the combination of her exhaustion and my frustration leads to a fight.

i’m doing this all my myself! / say you’re doing this all by yourself one more goddamn time! say it one more fucking time, i dare you! / it’s true! i have no one here to help me! / who does the laundry? who keeps this house spotless, cleaning up after your messy ass? / i have no time. all i do is feed this baby. / no, no, you were messy before the baby, don’t give me that. / you’re not being fair to me. / oh, i’m not being fair?! who gets the groceries? who makes the meals, miss i’m-doing-this-alone? and i’m not bringing you home fucking mcdonald’s three times a day either. look at the fucking meals i make you! / but i’m not eating enough. i only had two meals yesterday. / that’s not my fucking fault. there’s food in the fridge, and if you need something, all you have to do is ask me, sarah. when have i not given you exactly what it is you’ve asked me for? / i’m exhausted! i don’t even know what i need half of the time! and when you storm out to go sit in the car for hours on end... / i have my phone. you can text me if you need me. don’t give me that shit. / but i don’t feel like i can when you’re that upset. / well, i have to work, and i can’t work in here! i can’t hear myself think in this fucking house! / but it’s not work! you’re just writing to your friends! / it is work! it is work! who the fuck do you think you married? / no it’s fucking not! you are not getting paid to do it! it is not work!

i yank my coat down from the back of the door. i have to walk, babe. this isn’t good for either of us, let alone ben. do you need anything? / i don’t know, she spits back at me. just go.

i don’t listen to anything on my walk, couldn’t even tell you which way i went.

when i get back, i focus on getting the dishes done and finishing breakfast. sarah is feeding ben on the couch. neither of us has anything to say. i’m fuming, but i make sure my movements are careful. <quote-03>christ, if this isn’t how you play a scene, i think to myself<quote-03>.

i bring her her plate when i’m finished. i’m not hungry, so i put mine in the fridge and retreat to the bedroom.

i open our doc on my phone. i’ve yet to do any commenting on your letter, murph. i start and the top, but nothing doing. there’s only sarah, sarah and ben on the other side of the house.

nice one, wuck. christ.

i get up and head into the living room. she’s eating the breakfast i made her, holding ben. i get a glass of water and head back to the bedroom. i just can’t do it.

<quote-04>i pull the doc back up on my phone<quote-04>. fuck, guys. this is just about as bad as a feeling gets. i don’t know what to do--for her, for myself, or for ben.

<quote-05>why is this so hard for me?<quote-05>

a short while later she comes into the bedroom. she gently sets a sleeping ben down in his crib and goes back out to the living room. alone with ben and the white noise, i put down my phone, sit up, and try to muster my courage. <quote-06>come on, wuck, just get out there<quote-06>.

the last words we’d exchanged had been hours earlier: do you need anything? / i don’t know, just go.

she’s sitting there with her empty plate, staring into space. i stand there. ben looks like he’s out, what do you say we take a shower and fuck, <quote-07>i hear myself say<quote-07>. she puts her plate down on the table in front of the couch, and i sit down next to her. there’s a hush in the house, a hush and a pressure, like we’re underwater. maybe i should brush my teeth first, <quote-08>she says<quote-08>.

i give her a deep kiss, and soon we’re fumbling with each other’s clothes. neither of us knows how to get to where we need to go. i don’t feel very human these days, she says. i know, babe, <quote-09>i tell her<quote-09>. neither do i.

she is able to get some good sleep after. <quote-10>she sleeps for a good long while<quote-10>. the living room is quiet, so i hang out there. <quote-11>i get a good amount of work done on your letter, murph<quote-11>.

the salmon for tonight is still frozen when i get up to start dinner a couple hours later. i transferred it to the fridge this morning, but it’s not there yet. i could work with it, i suppose, but i don’t really feel like the clean up, so i step out to pick something up instead. i leave sarah a note on the island. i don’t want to chance waking her with a text.

the venezuelan place that i stop by first is closed early for some reason, so i head to a vietnamese joint around the corner. i place an order to go. sitting on the empty patio outside, i sip a <quote-12>beer<quote-12> as i wait for my order. i pull up spotify on my phone, and after browsing through the albums i’d recently downloaded, i decide to put on some live tom petty i’d yet to listen to.

aha, time to move on, let’s hear that. time to move on--sounds about right, these days. and hell, not only had <quote-13>your band written a tune by the same title, murph, casey and i had too<quote-13>. that’s a lot of folks wanting to move on. i take a swig of my beer and hit play. talk to me, tom.

oh man, i think as the song ends. i take another swig of beer and wipe my face with the sleeve of my coat. the heartbreakers start into wake up time, the last track from the wildflowers record. i never really dug wake up time--never really dug the whole back half of that record if i’m being honest. save crawling back to you, that song’s a wrecker. i want to click past, see what’s next on the set list, but then i think better of it. who knows, maybe i’ll hear the song differently, sitting here in the cold, after a day like today. <quote-14>got to keep the door open; you want to be surprised, know what i’m saying?<quote-14> besides, it’s not like our food is ready <quote-15>yet<quote-15>.

November 17th

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<pull-quote>along with a couple sandwiches for us to eat soon as i get back<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Fuck me. Now I have to go make myself a sandwich.<p-comment>
<p-comment>Back now. Left for the kitchen dreaming of leftover tri tip and cheddar on toasted sourdough. Alas, Kristen used up the tri tip on her salad today for lunch, and Gram had one of the last two pieces of sourdough with butter and jelly for breakfast. <p-comment>
<p-comment>I had to make do with some unopened "deli" turkey Kristen had in the recesses of the fridge. I fried some bacon, though, and swapped out the thick Cheddar for American since I had to use the crappy turkey and white toast. <p-comment>
<p-comment>Verdict: still pretty good.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>house in the woods<pull-quote>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>Lots of those around here.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>christ, if this isn’t how you play a scene, i think to myself<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Classic Wuck. Holy shit.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>i pull the doc back up on my phone<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Put me away. I refuse to be anything but a staggeringly effective wingman.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>unfortunately, we’re not casting the role of staggeringly effective wingman at this time, but check back.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>why is this so hard for me?<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Rooting for you big time right here, bud.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>come on, wuck, just get out there<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>WUCKY!<p-comment>
<p-comment>WUCKY!<p-comment>
<p-comment>WUCKY!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>Holy hell. I'm commenting on my first read here, no clue what's next. Get out there, Wuck!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>i hear myself say<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>lol<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>she says<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>MVP! MVP!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>What a storm. What a break in the clouds.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>i tell her<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Neither of you could be more human--or awkward or beautiful--if you tried! God bless you both!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>she sleeps for a good long while<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>"Yo, Adrian! We did it!"<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>lol<p-comment>
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‍

<pull-quote>i get a good amount of work done on your letter, murph<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>I'll happily accept the role of victory lap/post-coital cigarette.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>you got it. fitting on wednesday, wardrobe will give you a call shortly. congratulations!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>beer<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>A Tiger? A Hanoi? A Saigon? 333?<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>an orion. a pilsner, a japanese beer.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>Sounds awesome.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>your band written a tune by the same title, murph, casey and i had too<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Ours was about a mopey Kevin Koontz. I remember NICKCASEY's pretty well too. One of your first tracks, no? "One last drink, one last cigarette" or something early on? "Maybe it's time to move on, maybe you should too" or something late?<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>all that was black and white has faded to blue<p-comment>
<p-comment>maybe it’s time to move on, maybe you should too<p-comment>
<p-comment>i don't hate it.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>got to keep the door open; you want to be surprised, know what i’m saying?<pull-quote>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>This stance of yours towards art, Wuck, may be exactly the stance you need to be open to a new future. I have a strong feeling you will surprise yourself.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>yet<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>This was wonderful, Wuck. Love you lots. <p-comment>
<p-comment>Also, who will you antagonize for material for your next letter? Seems like Casey is the next logical choice? <p-comment>
<p-comment>Looking forward to it!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>It felt like we were right there with you.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>cheers, boys.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote><pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
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<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment><p-comment>
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